An open Letter (of apology) to Britney Spears

It's official. Brit is preggers. I must admit, I was skeptical about her mothering skills. I thought she wouldn't be up to task. But boy was I wrong. Britney is mature enough and together enough to have kids. Her maternal instinct kicked in a while back when she got married. She told People two days after her wedding: "I want to be a young mom. Next year, at 23, I'm so there." I have no doubt that Britney will be "so there" as a mother. Her pregnancy is so her priority right now. She explains on her website: "My prerogative right now is just to chill... I want to enjoy all the simple things that I missed over the past few years die to working way too much." That must be why she's starting a reality show about her relationship with Kevin Federline for the esteemed UPN network. Britney "You're Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman," but soon, you'll be a mother.

Feeding Tubes: the latest rage

The Feeding Tube has become so trendy, even Pope Jon Paul II got one. The Vatican stated

"to improve his calorific intake and promote an efficient recovery of his strength, nutrition via the positioning of a nasal-gastric tube has begun".

Choosing between a nose tubing and a naval tubing, the Pope decided on the former explaining to a Cardinal "The belly button tube is so played out. It's so 15 years ago."

Speaking of Feeding Tubes, perhaps the Left could learn a valuable lesson from the Terri Schiavo. Some have been disturbed by our country's obsession with Terri (with whom everyone is on a 1st name basis), with the "Passion of Terri" and indifference to the thousands of people who have died in Iraq. Perhaps a solution would be to insert feeding tubes into the Iraqi people. For once a feeding tube is inserted, we must, in the words of our president "err on the side of life."

Thank you Mary Gayney

The gay and lesbian "Dear Mary" letter writing campaign couldn't convince Dick Cheney's daughter from denouncing President Bush's push to ban gay marriage through a constitutional amendment. Instead, Mary has decided to finally come out, or speak out, or write out. Mary explains:

"The first time I campaigned with my father I was 8 old. I've been involved with campaigns as a family member, a staff member and although I certainly never intended it, as a political target for the other side."

(If only the democrats could stop targeting the gays and learn from the tolerance and touchy feely-ness and down-right queerness of this administration.) Mary just "came out" with her memoirs Now It's My Turn: A Politcal Memoir, not to be confused with a GAY MEMOIR, which it's totally not. That would be so gay.

Ever the martyr, Mary is doing her part to support an administration that is doing its part to warp The Constitution in the noble name of homophobia. She also received a mere advance of one million dollars from Simon and Schuster.

Now I have no problems with the gays. Some of my best friends are gay. But I do have trouble believing that Mary Cheney is gay. I don't know what turns people gay, nature or nurture, but whatever it is, if anything could over turn it, it's Dick Cheney's virulence, vitality, and good old fashioned sex appeal. How could a woman turn out gay after being raised by the sexiest man ever. I defy any gay woman or straight man to stand in the presence of Dick and not at least consider switching teams. Just look at Dick's endowment.